Nurture or Punish? Schools, Discipline, Relationships

The following news story uses some extreme cases to provide deep insight into something I think we all knew as kids.  I believe this issue is at the core of flaws in the design of our school system - flaws that distort the natural relationships of adults and children.  The kids in this video are the outliers for whom the "normal" coercive techniques failed - techniques like emotional/relational "disciplinary" measures including ostracism, shaming and detention etc.   Because these techniques fail to correct the "behaviour" problems of some kids, the adults feel a pressure to escalate the punishments.  Eventually, the interventions become physical such as the "restraint" techniques featured in the disturbing footage of this news broadcast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYzG-AOBQ6UG-AOBQ6U" width="420">

The example school at the end is an example of the nurturing approach I saw regularly over the years at our small independent school called Wondertree.  Wondertree was an small, community school in which parents, learners and staff all worked together to meet the needs of the children.  Sometimes it was very challenging, but always it was worth it.   Some of the learners included children who had been considered "behavioural problem" kids in previous schools.  Their "problems" often diminished or went away when they were loved and respected and mentored into understanding how to work with their emotions, manage their conflicts successfully, and ask for what they needed (such as a break from a stressful situation).

Consider the teenager playing basketball in this story.  Here he was focusing on practising a skill, probably working through one of the many upsets of school life for a teenager using a perfectly healthy strategy: channeling his frustration into activity.  Instead of talking with him, finding out what is going on, and supporting him to keep it up if he needed to, or negotiating an alternative that works for him and everyone else - he was tackled and quite possibly suffocated!  This is of course the most extreme and horrible outcome, but the trauma of being subdued, restrained or isolated is clearly felt by the other children interviewed in the story.  Let us first see that no other children suffer the fate of Corey Foster.  And let us next see that all children are liberated from the confusing, painful relationships of traditional "Discipline".  I think we can easily do what is being done at Centennial school in all our schools, and go well beyond our few shining examples into a rich and diverse world of nurturing, non-coercive schools.

It doesn't matter whose Fault - but whose Responsibility... Blame Justice Responsibility

there will come a time in our enlightened future (i hope) when the concept of blame will be seen with the same kind of head-shaking as we currently see the persecution of witches and practice of exorcism...   the culture will be all about responsibility and the protective use of force, and leave the idea of blame to the darkness of our ignorant past...

http://www.radiolab.org/story/317421-blame/

Campaign for Civil Discourse

I think it is time for a campaign for civil discourse.

The Public Good has been eclipsed in our media by an antagonistic and partisan political culture. This is creating and deepening a sense of disconnection and alienation between social classes, sub-cultures and ethnic groups. Such divisions appear to have deepened, even as we have had more time and more chances to get to know one another, and should have come closer together in recent decades, rather than find ourselves pitted against one another.

It is time we return our focus to our common humanity, despite our differences of lifestyle and opinion, and bring back the values necessary to ensure a productive civil discourse - one which resolves our differences to produce the best outcomes for society as a whole.

Part of the problem is that, in recent decades, several changes have occurred in the public arena. Important values have become uncoupled from one another, compromising the integrity of the value-system. These values are:

a) Humility and Strength

b) Honesty and Integrity
c) Respect and Compassion

We must bring back the awareness that the highest form of strength is one carried with humility, and that to live up to our highest integrity is to communicate with honesty, even when we think that strategically we may “win” with deceit. Our Presidents and Prime Ministers must have the Strength to admit that they do not know everything, that they ought to seek counsel and guidance from others with more knowledge and expertise than they have in specific fields relevant to public life. Instead, we have political leaders who display their "leadership" by defying the advice of our most learned citizens, and pushing ahead with ill-conceived plans that are doomed to failure.
We must remind each other that compassion is fundamentally related to respect - and that it means we must consider the experiences, perspectives, and - even though this may be hard to do - empathize with the emotional states of our opponents.
While it may be tempting to condemn someone for wrongdoing, or to counter-attack when attacked, the process of coming to understanding and agreement is sabotaged by these tactics. We all suffer when there is no forum for working out our differences.
We will further the progress of our values if we stand strong, but not hostile. Rather than fight, we may hold our ground and illuminate the problems (inaccuracies, distortions, and damage) with what our opposition has done or is doing, but we must do so simply, clearly and free from blame. We must acknowledge our own mistakes when we make them, and take responsibility for correcting them. We must express our disappointments in the mistakes of others (rather than attack people for them) and request that others to live up to their responsibilities to repair any damage they have done. Rather than vilify them, we must search for and empathize with the thoughts and feelings (fear, judgment, mistrust, frustration, self-protection, protection of “in-group”) that may motivate someone to do negative or hurtful things. We may acknowledge pressures they are under, or good intentions they may be trying to fulfill - and then we can move on to illuminate the downfalls of their approach.

Regarding social programs:
Instead of groups demanding things from politicians and wealthy citizens, from a position of entitlement, we should encourage such groups to make strong requests that the principles of fairness and integrity be fulfilled- so that the duty of society to its citizens is fulfilled. Currently, alienated demands from positions of weakness are inspiring contempt and enmity from politicians and lobby groups representing the business class. This is a recipe for disaster, and we must turn it around, until those with the power to help see the value of extending helping hands to their less privileged fellow citizens.

Instead of name calling right-wing promoters of hatred (which further entrenches the in-group/out-group value system underlying their value system), we must work to illustrate our common humanity, and to point out the behaviours that are problematic: identifying mean-spirited, divisive discourse, and calling instead for a discourse that includes the needs of every member of society. We must not only ask for but model and prime the values we intend to promote.

For an illustration of the psychological roots of conservative and progressive value-systems, see Johnathan Haidt at TED, and you will see the obligation is on the “progressives” to reach out to the conservatives, and not the other way around. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs41JrnGaxc

Also see Brene Brown speak, at TEDx Houston, about the roots of intolerant, mean-spirited civil discourse - and what must be done to overcome it.

Regarding civil engagement:
Instead of treating issues as a spectator or commentator, which is how our media has socialized us all to behave, we should speak of our roles and responsibilities as citizens. Rather than express the desire for others to fix things or get it right, we should illustrate the roles people can play (including ourselves) in solving our common problems. Essentially, we must change the dialogue from "politics is a spectator sport" to "political participation is our civic duty". Possible ways to participate include: letter writing (politicians, newspapers, radio stations, television stations), going to meetings and helping raise awareness and the level of understanding within different communities, lobbying politicians and civil servants, fund-raising for organizations that serve the public good, organizing for political candidates, etc...

Strategically, these values and principles may be promoted in all kinds of arenas, with both “progressive” and “conservative” and other ideological systems as well:

• within organizations
• between organizations
• in the media
• to/with political figures
• in public meetings
• on youtube/internet

The Challenge:

The most challenging part of this call to civil discourse is its demand that we live up to a higher standard than those with whom we must work - those same people who threaten society and harm the common good. We must empathize with their pain and learn how they came to be so hurt, and as we try to help them come back to a compassionate and responsible citizenship, we must not aim to "beat" them, but rather to treat them with compassion even as we use our strength to protect society from them.

Worthiness, Vulnerability, Shame, Resilience:

Brene Brown teaches that inherent self-worth allows us to overcome our vulnerabilities

Brene Brown gave a fantastic talk, in which she explains that the woes of our current political, religious, and civil cultures are a reflection of the inherent insecurities of the generation of adults in power. The intolerance, fear, and divisiveness we see are not a reflection of anything intrinsic to human nature - in fact the opposite is true! When we have secure childhoods, in which we grow up believing that we are inherently loved and worthy of love, exactly as we are and for who we truly are, then we grow into adults capable of compassion, responsibility, clear-headedness. It is the absence of this security that creates the ignorant, mean-spirited and intolerant dynamics that are so destructive to our common good.

I believe this should be a rallying call to all people working for the betterment of society: note that the "bad guys", those politicians and lobby groups that are fighting to hurt others, are actually people with psychological injuries. They are not evil, but hurt. They do not require vanquishing, but to be contained (prevented from harming others) and to be treated with respect and compassion - until they heal from their wounds and can join the rest of us in a respectful, compassionate society.